I...

I like being emotionally dependent on others. I can’t figure out if this makes me weaker or stronger. But a lot of people have told me that this would hurt me eventually because nothing lasts forever.

I love being taken care of by others.

I love it when people make me feel or tell me that I am important to them. And sometimes I feel I don’t this to them myself.

I am beginning to realize that I am really bad at designating work to people. Especially the work I care about. I have the constant feeling they'll screw it up or not do it the way I think is right.
This actually makes me a big hypocrite because I like having the freedom to judge how
I want to go about things when I am given a task.

I lose my cool a lot under stress and it does come back and bite me in the face or it just leaves me feeling guilty later.

My patience is a function of my level of attachment to the situation

I hate the way our college authorities function. I hate how they can't even act like they care. And here I thought they were our guardians while we were away from our parents.
There will be another post about that later. First I need to figure out if bashing the authorities on my blog can get me into any sort of trouble.

Random:
I saw an image on “Love” saying- "50 years...his name is still hers...” on someone's blog today and it just reminded me of my parents so much. I can go on and on about how much I LOVE what they have for each other. But that is again reserved for another post. I remember having this discussion with mum about wives taking their husband's surnames and how it’s gradually reducing nowadays. She found the whole thing very sad and she said – “even though it comes across as something trivial to people, taking on your husband's name gives you feeling of being connected forever, of belonging... Something like... I don’t know how to put it correctly but when I said "I am Mrs.Prakash" for the first time, I felt like I belonged with your dad..."
Every time I think love is a fucked up concept, I just think of my parents and it changes :)

The NEED to blurb was killing me

i feel overloaded on thoughts..work..studies..everything...
so I'm gonna do a Doodie inspired random blurb thing:

1. Astute
2. Cold Coffee- kickass stuff!
3. People who like/look forward to/function normally during exam time should be publically assaulted. Yes! I am THAT spiteful!
4. People wouldn't find people AWESOME, if there were no A**holes in this world.
5. I dont remember heath ledger's real face. But his joker face haunts me all the time.
6. I can't stop writing.
7. I REALLY need to finish this chapter.
8. I could do with a haircut but i just love that my hair are SO long now.
9. I have DoSM OCD. Dont ask :|
10. MUN Jokes: (MUN stands for Model United Nations)

Most Important Issue: HuMUN rights

An Indian MUN would be called a MUNdal

Our lives are huMUNgous messes

Please COME to C-MUN.

MUNch should be the Snack Partners of our BITS-MUN.

( Visit www.bits-quark.org for details of BITS-MUN)
Hoo Boy i am publicising i am on my blog! I am a true Publicity person :D

MUN Delagates like the "accio" harry potter charm because its a sum-MUN-ing charm

I could go on and on but i MUNst stop..( BAD one i know..the others were GREAT!! I AM AWESOME AT THIS! * waits for applause*)

11. Business Cards are cool!
12. Time to go!
13. and again.. Salaam Mumbai!

Anarchy..

Here I am busting my ass off studying for a TWO credit useless course most of which is stuff we did in school/JEE prep so i KNOW that EVERYONE here has a breathed, eaten and slept all of it for two years. I haven't done that. So.. basically i am f***ed (i dont want my blog to get banned)

Ever since it was mentioned in a common room discussion while watching the news on Mumbai..I can't stop thinking about how closely the situation resembled that in the movie "The Dark Knight"..Open firing, grenades, fires, bazookas, hostages, hijacking, blasts..

The joker's voice is SCREAMING through my head-"Introduce a little anarchy!!" In my head i am replaying the dialogue between batman and joker when the joker is hanging from the edge of the window...i CANT stop thinking!!

I can't stop thinking of how SO EASILY one of the MAIN symbols of Mumbai was up in flames.. I wonder if people are always gonna stay afraid of walking freely on the streets of India..

I salute the KNIGHTS of Mumbai.. The citizens, the army, the air force, the NSG commandos and the Police...WHO said superheroes don't exist..

SALAAM MUMBAI..

Little by Little

Maybe it’s because I have been watching scrubs season 5 and 6 where everyone seems to be getting pregnant, maybe it’s because the topic randomly came up in a discussion with my chick friend yesterday or maybe it’s because I heard the bestest news that my super swell buddy's real sis is pregnant.. But the topic of babies has been hovering in my head since yesterday...

As u can see this has the makings of an extremely girly post but I really hope the guys read it too because most guys adore babies even though they mostly won’t admit it. Although some do keep referring to babies they see around as the cutest things ever :P

When u think babies.. You think of the typical stuff- cute, cuddly, baby smell, toys, baby cries and cackles, their first walk/word/sentence... etc etc...

It’s true… Babies are AMAZING! But for most people who have them it’s one of the most life changing things that EVER happens to them. Babies change everything. They are small but they bring with them great responsibility. You have to leave behind the life you had so that it can revolve around the single most precious thing that you possess. Most successful women deprive themselves from the joys of raising a child for this very reason. It takes a lot of time, energy and stress (both physical and mental) to ensure that the tiny little thing says healthy and safe.

Women go through post-partum depression because the responsibility is just too huge for them to handle especially if they do not have a good support-system from their families. The baby becomes a burden to her life and they start hating themselves for thinking this way.

But I quote my Mom here-“People who keep postponing having a baby or who don’t want to have a baby because their life is just too great the way it is, are the BIGGEST idiots that exist on the face of the earth. It is one of the most challenging phases of a person’s life, but NOTHING and I mean NOTHING gives you more happiness and satisfaction than devoting a major section in bringing up your child.”
At one point or another EVERY girl gets the picture in her head where she is the mother of a child with a man who loves her and cares about her. Or even being a mother to a child who could not be brought up by his biological parents.

Also, there’s always the pressure of being a good parent especially if you think you lack a maternal or paternal instinct. There’s the pressure of ensuring your child loves and respects you and values what you to say to him/her. Hoping that you will learn from the mistakes your parents made with you and you will tackle situations better than they did. All in all, the idea of having a child is mind numbingly scary, but eventually, the entire thing is totally worth it. Especially because you share this joy with the person you love and share your life with.

I don’t know how far I got with this post. I have a feeling I basically kept beating around the bush. Honestly, there are so many things related to this topic that can be talked about here but I’ll just leave you with this much.

As a teenager, it is too early to think so much about this topic but the truth is- you WILL have to think about it SOME day so choosing a random day like today to give it a little thought is not that bad an idea.



"Little by little
We gave you everything
You ever dreamed of
Little by little
The wheels of your life
Have slowly fallen off
Little by little
You had to give it all in all your life
And all the time I just ask myself why
You're really here"
-Courtesy Noel Gallagher (OASIS)

Hmmm.. * pffffft *

After a long long long long long long long long long long long time..here's an extremely RANDOM post..

Thoughts/Questions/Blahs:

Why dont we feel content about anything??

Why do we want more from everything?? Be it a Pizza or a Friendship..

Why do we want what we can't have?? How many such things are there that you want??

Don't you just hate the feeling of getting back to shit loads of work piled up after you have had an insane amount of fun.

Is it me or is there always this ONE person you know who's shoes you REALLY want be in??

Has watching SCRUBS influenced the way you talk to yourself in your head??
Do you keep staring at the lyrics of a song and imagine why and thinking what a person would've written them???

At the end of each day do you always have a list of things in your head you wish you HAD SAID and some you wish you HADN'T??

Do you designate certain things that you talk about to certain people or
do you have one person you talk about EVERYTHING to or
do you have both??

Did you actually think of answers to the questions above or did you just read through??

The Movie That Made My Day

This post is going to be a long one. I have too much to say today :-)
I had been sitting at home for a week. When I mean “at home”, I mean I literally hadn’t stepped out of the main door of my house except when I visited the doctor’s clinic. Even walking around the house had become a tiring activity and food was being consumed because it was essential for the medicines. ( Eating Less is a huge deal for me… Those who know me, know HOW MUCH I eat :P’’ )
Now that I was recovering and feeling better, my mum coming up to me in the morning and promising me to take me to a movie in the evening seemed really amazing.
So I booked a ticket for watching “Jaane tu..Ya Jaane Na” for myself and two tickets for my parents who decided to watch “Thoda Pyar Thoda Magic” (God save them)
The idea of watching a movie about a group of great friends alone seemed a bit weird but I just did not want to delay watching the movie which starred the cute Imran Khan whom I’d been drooling at for days. (Yes he’s cute.. He’s cute and I’m NOT arguing about it with ANYONE!! I screamed at his first shot in the movie and everyone around me stared at me :-l )



To simply put it- The movie is Awesome :-)







Its got the whole package – its HILLARIOUS, Fresh, Emotional, Cute, Well Made, Realistic yet “Filmy” and most of all the movie is about great Chemistry. Be it the chemistry between the Mother and the Son, between two best friends(especially when they look at each other while dancing with different people) or between two Goons who like picking up chicks in bars and getting into Brawls.
You know the story of the movie as soon as it starts, it’s a typical romantic comedy kind of story, but you can’t help but enjoy it, laugh and cry with it. I believe that if a Hindi movie can make you laugh, then is a Brilliant movie. This was one of them, I was sitting in a Jam-Packed theatre where I could hear laughter, snorts and giggles around me at frequent intervals.
The movie is not “Intelligent” “Cinema”. Its simple and spontaneous.
Its shows friendship exactly the way it is- Stupid nicknames, Protectiveness, Jealousy, endless amounts of Time Pass, stupid and serious fights etc…
The first song of the movie- “Kabhi Kabhi Aditi” is beautifully enacted. When I say “enacted”, I mean it. The words of the song have been shown through cute gestures, just the kind of stuff a girl would dream her friend would do for her to put a smile on her face.

There are tiny little things in the movie like
-a guy doing shots of Coca-Cola at a bar
- the friends doing a chicken-dance on their college farewell party
-the guy doing Ash's Crazy Kiya Re step in the dance and the girl flicking fake money on him
-a Gujju guy wearing bling-bling neck-chains
-physical fights between a brother and sister
-waiting for your friend to call at night
-the girl crying when she suddenly realizes college is over for good
-rich kids not studying/working and pursuing their passions like painting and film-making
- the Extremely Girly girlfriend who does her “Hot” version of the “Pappu” dance
-typical pain- in-the-ass policemen who understand the language of either bribes or MLAs
- a drunk boyfriend hitting his girlfriend and deserting her in a parking lot

etc… that make you say- “This feels so real…”

and then there are things like
-a dead man talking from his portrait to his wife
-men moving around on horses
-The acts to become a true Rajput from Ranjhore
-Two good looking Best Friends feeling NO ATTRACTION at ALL for each other at ALL throughout their college years

etc… that make you say- “Yeah ok… IT’S A movie…”

Situations like over-protectiveness for your friend are shown excellently when the girl gets into fights with the people who say ANYTHING against her best friend.
Situations like Jealousy too where the girl finds it extremely pissing off that her best friend is constantly with his girl friend and has no time for her. Or… How the guy looses it when he sees his best friend being kissed by another guy.
All this aside.. The movie WINS big time because:
1.its stupidly funny ALL THE TIME, even when there is serious stuff being dealt with ( you can make a straight face at the Jokes if you are stuck up about disliking bollywood movies or you can just laugh and have fun).. I mean..serious instances such as getting arrested and being locked up in Jail,and a policeman speaking on a walkie-talkie also seem fun.

2. because of its excellent Casting and Characterization.
Be it veteran actors like Naseeruddin Shah and Paresh Rawal or new comers like Genelia (seems to be a sweet soft girl in real life but is very believable as a tough, violent and egoistic girl)
or Imran Khan(who is excellent as the funny and nice Jai and makes your heart melt when he cries on his mum’s shoulder)– the Cast is the invisible strength of the movie.


The Music of the movie isn't THAT amazing but its Rehman so it is pretty damn good..

The Title track- "Tu Bole main Bolu..Jaane tu ya Jaane naa" sounds a bit like You Say I Say(the potato..potaahto song)

"Pappu cant dance" is great fun to watch in the movie and will be LOVED by people who like to dance :D

and "Kahin to" is a typical bittersweet romantic ballad which sounds FUCKING brilliant.

More than the music, its the LYRICS of each song that deserve a special mention.

As you can see, I’m on such a high after watching the movie that I can’t stop talkin about it. ( This may also have something to do with the fact that I'm so jobless :P )
So I’ll finally shut up now and ask you to GO AND WATCH THE MOVIE if you haven't!! (And do NOT kill me if YOU don’t like it)

A Tribute.. To The Most Brilliant Thing that can be Typed..

:-l

Prelude to the next post..is Prelude the right word? *wonders*

Two posts in one day..

Some day eet ees i sayy..

This post goes out to all my friends..

* sniff *

*gives the smile they give before award speeches*

umm the post i m talkin bout is actually the next one..

soo...its actually 3 posts in a day * checks clock if its still the same day *

yepp..

wait for it.. the next post is gonna be awesome


oh i jus realised u'llsee the next post before this one..
bahh..
time to get on with it before my net speed screws everything up..

okayyyy..

jus realised thers some problem

Guess you'll have to wait for some days till the LEGENDARY post comes out..

P.S. I checked the dictionary( really..i did..) Prelude seems to be the right word

today's post count remains 2

Growing Pains :|

When people ask me- "so..what does it feel like to be 19?", i feel annoyed at the person for rubbing it in that even though i AM 19, noone at home lets me feel that way.

I had to go to my grandma's to spend the night because my grandad's in the hospital. My parents know the plan about where n when i'll have to go etc.. But they wont tell me and then 5 mins before we leave my mum tells me to keep some clothes. I keep my comfy tee n half pants in my dad's bag n the moment i turn my back-my mum starts checkin the bag for what i've kept, takes it out n replaces it with some odd clothes which she likes n i dont.. She always does this.. Asks me to pack and then disapproves of what i pack and instructs me to wear some crap for some particular occasion. In the end i have a bag full of crap for a small 5 day trip out of which only 2-3 things r worn by me.

And to top it all she wants me to carry a tiffin n bottle with me when i go out to meet my friends for the day. And then she screams at me on the phone when i run out of the house without em.Bleeeaarrgghh

Sounds stupid n girly n i sound like some weirdly peeved teenager but i'm sure a lotta ppl can relate to this.Wherever i go, my relatives keep instructing me on what to do -"Nikita,you should eat now, Nikita go n buy a book or something to keep you from gettin bored, Nikita you haven't been to the loo, dont you want to go

i feel more like a 3 yr old than a 19 yr old. For them i'm still a baby girl..
fine..i get it.. i still hug on to my teddies on bad days and make a fuss when my cousin's kids want to play with them... but thats different..
I mean its really great that they care bout when i pee n when i dont but i think i can do without it..

Its not just me, Pallavi who is frikkin 20 now (olg hag :P ) is in probably a worse situation than me. Her parents still fire her for gettin up after 7.00 in the morning n not sleepin at 10 in the night

Random Bunches

I feel low :( :(

So i am listenin to this mood uplifting song..

Jeremy Kay - Have It All

Some days I feel like crying
It don't matter if it's rain or shine
I feel like my heart was broken
At least a million times
Some days I wake up dreaming
Feels like I've never even woke
I answer life's big questions
As if it's one big joke
Maybe it's too soon to be sure
But I really do believe that someday
We're gonna have it all
So I try to hard to keep the rhythm of a train
Rolling right along
When the ride gets rough you got to carry on
Carry on
Some days I feel like singing
I sit back and just groove the day away
Maybe pick up a guitar
And play what I want to play
Maybe it's too soon to be sure
But I really do believe that someday
We're gonna have it all
So I try to hard to keep the rhythm of a train
Rolling right along
When the ride gets rough you got to carry on
Carry on

Today I feel like laughing
Seems to be no reason at all
And if the world stops spinning
I'm not afraid to fall
Maybe it's too soon to be sure
But I really do believe that someday
We're gonna have it all
So I try to hard to keep the rhythm of a train
Rolling right along
When the ride gets rough you got to carry on
Maybe it's too soon to be sure
But I really do believe that someday
We're gonna have it all
So I try to hard to keep the rhythm of a train
Rolling right along
When the ride gets rough you got to carry on
Carry on


Opteeemeesumm ehh??

Shaken

As I tossed and turned in bed trying to catch an afternoon nap, I still felt shaken..
I had just come back from watching the film Aamir.
At an extreme loss of words to type and thoughts overflowing in my head.. All my worries and problems seemed so extremely trivial and so very stupid... There is this constant ringing voice in my head telling me to do something.. The voice, which on normal days is quiet is screaming today.. I feel terribly guilty of not being of any significant use to all those who are suffering across the world..

The movies I have seen recently namely Khuda Kay Liye, Shaurya and Aamir and a book I finished reading just a few days ago- A thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled HosseinI has made me think more and more deeply about Islam. About people who have misunderstood all Muslims to be evil, about Muslims who are questioned and tortured time and time again by authorities suspecting them to be terrorists, about staunch Mullahs who have made life hell for Muslim women and turned innocent children to terrorists, the list just goes on and on and on.. It’s amazing how every crime committed by the staunch Muslims is in the name of religion.. In the name of the Prophet, the Koran, Jihad etc..

The Middle Eastern countries have not seen days of peace for centuries now.. Generations of Palestinians have shed their blood for a land which is not yet their country. Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan and so many more nations where people have grown up midst war, some have fled to far away countries, some have fought, some have become mentally unstable and some have just survived it all.. Billions have been spent by the UN in peace-keeping efforts.. All in vain.. In "A thousand splendid suns" you can feel the beauty of the religion in sentences quoted from the Koran and from the poems of Muslim poets. But at the same time you cry along as you learn about the strife of the people who die, become homeless or become crippled by the war.. The women who are tortured beyond imagination and not allowed any individual growth in the name of Islam.. The soviets, the Mujahedeen, gunfire, bombing, martyrs, rapes, beatings, Taliban, 9/11, executions,... It was undoubtedly the most painful book I have ever read and gave me one of my worst nightmares ever.
Shaurya, where a dedicated army man who is a Muslim working under an anti-Muslim Major and Brigadier is made a blamed for helping terrorists when he actually saves the lives of innocent people.
Khuda Kay liye, where a humble Pakistani Musician is tortured to Mental instability because he is suspected to be involved in the 9/11 crash.
Aamir, where a Hard-working Muslim man gets badly caught in terrorism..

All these movies made by Brilliant people where the actors have given stellar performances had one thing in common- How Muslims who are good people become victims of circumstances and how those committing irrational crimes are roaming scot-free and continue making the world a hell for so many.
And it’s not just Muslims, every society, every community , every region, every country is faced with this problem..

But how do we find out who is to blame? How do we prove what is the right interpretation and what is the wrong interpretation of Islam? How do we make the guilty pay? How we the people of India help in such cases are the questions that keep coming in my mind and I stay as confused as ever about what will happen..

Suicide

SUICIDE
A depressing topic for a first post I know…

Maybe it was the fatigue of walking all evening in the humongous mall, maybe it was the drugged feeling of being in an AC car on a smooth road, maybe it was the heavy drowsiness caused by the cheese in the amazing pasta I had for dinner at Pastamania or Maybe it was the random tear that dropped from my eye after being scolded by my mother (nothing unusual)..or Probably it was a collection of all of the above but I randomly started framing sentences in my head about suicide(no clue why this topic :-) and that’s when I decided that maybe I should write more often and maybe start my own blog..

Suicide..
I think a lot of people have had suicidal thoughts at some points in their lives and almost none of them admit it...

But today I decided to admit it openly that I have had suicidal thoughts not once but several times in my life... It shows that I am weak and timid and blah blah but then I have had these thoughts and I haven't been able to control them... I get this image of myself falling from a cliff for a very very long time till I fall into a deep ravine far down below. I don’t know... It’s something about that feeling... It’s a liberating fall... A fall where my mind is BLANK... There are no thoughts, no worries... Nothing...
So while my cheek was pressed against the window of the car I made a random list of what crosses my mind about suicide...

- The feeling of escaping and quitting it all and running away to somewhere where no one will find you.
- The dilemma whether life after death is better or worse. The excitement of it.
- The fear of leaving the ones you love and the ones who love you and made you what you are in pain and sorrow.
- The fear if your soul will rest in peace.
- The hope that you'll be forgiven if you do it.
- The feeling that NOTHING is worth taking your own damn life.
- The feeling that there are innumerable people and animals who are not as fortunate as you are but they still struggle and fight to pursue happiness.
- Knowing that whatever triggered the thought will pass away soon.
- The feeling of not being brave enough to face life and fight it.

Now you must be wondering that I am so fortunate to have so many people who love me and so much to be thankful for and yet these thoughts cross my mind... Even I wonder the same thing... I always feel that I make a very very huge deal out of everything I feel and do not value all that I have been gifted with this... You can judge me and criticise the way I feel... But it IS infact the way I feel SOMETIMES... The feeling doesn't last for very long because obviously the whole thing is not worth it...
But then I thought that this is a topic which is never openly discussed because the feeling is mostly propagated by our deepest darkest secrets, so I might as well put it out there and wait for people to react.

Hi !

I loathe the way i write because its not the way i want to write.. and so i go on to make excuses like i am rarely inspired to write so there's no point in starting a blog because it'll gather dust very soon etc.etc... i want the way i write to be either a blabbery flow of disconnected sentences or a literary post in immaculate english which would hog all the critical acclaim.. sadly i am not close to either.. My style of writing is simple and spontaneous and its time that i accepted that and started writing more regularly even if the posts are crappy and appreciated only because the people who read them like me.. Finally.. after a failed blog long long back, here's a new blog.. a fresh start.. in the hope of getting better with time :-)
Cheers.