Suicide

SUICIDE
A depressing topic for a first post I know…

Maybe it was the fatigue of walking all evening in the humongous mall, maybe it was the drugged feeling of being in an AC car on a smooth road, maybe it was the heavy drowsiness caused by the cheese in the amazing pasta I had for dinner at Pastamania or Maybe it was the random tear that dropped from my eye after being scolded by my mother (nothing unusual)..or Probably it was a collection of all of the above but I randomly started framing sentences in my head about suicide(no clue why this topic :-) and that’s when I decided that maybe I should write more often and maybe start my own blog..

Suicide..
I think a lot of people have had suicidal thoughts at some points in their lives and almost none of them admit it...

But today I decided to admit it openly that I have had suicidal thoughts not once but several times in my life... It shows that I am weak and timid and blah blah but then I have had these thoughts and I haven't been able to control them... I get this image of myself falling from a cliff for a very very long time till I fall into a deep ravine far down below. I don’t know... It’s something about that feeling... It’s a liberating fall... A fall where my mind is BLANK... There are no thoughts, no worries... Nothing...
So while my cheek was pressed against the window of the car I made a random list of what crosses my mind about suicide...

- The feeling of escaping and quitting it all and running away to somewhere where no one will find you.
- The dilemma whether life after death is better or worse. The excitement of it.
- The fear of leaving the ones you love and the ones who love you and made you what you are in pain and sorrow.
- The fear if your soul will rest in peace.
- The hope that you'll be forgiven if you do it.
- The feeling that NOTHING is worth taking your own damn life.
- The feeling that there are innumerable people and animals who are not as fortunate as you are but they still struggle and fight to pursue happiness.
- Knowing that whatever triggered the thought will pass away soon.
- The feeling of not being brave enough to face life and fight it.

Now you must be wondering that I am so fortunate to have so many people who love me and so much to be thankful for and yet these thoughts cross my mind... Even I wonder the same thing... I always feel that I make a very very huge deal out of everything I feel and do not value all that I have been gifted with this... You can judge me and criticise the way I feel... But it IS infact the way I feel SOMETIMES... The feeling doesn't last for very long because obviously the whole thing is not worth it...
But then I thought that this is a topic which is never openly discussed because the feeling is mostly propagated by our deepest darkest secrets, so I might as well put it out there and wait for people to react.