Sunday, June 29, 2008

Random Bunches

I feel low :( :(

So i am listenin to this mood uplifting song..

Jeremy Kay - Have It All

Some days I feel like crying
It don't matter if it's rain or shine
I feel like my heart was broken
At least a million times
Some days I wake up dreaming
Feels like I've never even woke
I answer life's big questions
As if it's one big joke
Maybe it's too soon to be sure
But I really do believe that someday
We're gonna have it all
So I try to hard to keep the rhythm of a train
Rolling right along
When the ride gets rough you got to carry on
Carry on
Some days I feel like singing
I sit back and just groove the day away
Maybe pick up a guitar
And play what I want to play
Maybe it's too soon to be sure
But I really do believe that someday
We're gonna have it all
So I try to hard to keep the rhythm of a train
Rolling right along
When the ride gets rough you got to carry on
Carry on

Today I feel like laughing
Seems to be no reason at all
And if the world stops spinning
I'm not afraid to fall
Maybe it's too soon to be sure
But I really do believe that someday
We're gonna have it all
So I try to hard to keep the rhythm of a train
Rolling right along
When the ride gets rough you got to carry on
Maybe it's too soon to be sure
But I really do believe that someday
We're gonna have it all
So I try to hard to keep the rhythm of a train
Rolling right along
When the ride gets rough you got to carry on
Carry on


Opteeemeesumm ehh??

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Shaken

As I tossed and turned in bed trying to catch an afternoon nap, I still felt shaken..
I had just come back from watching the film Aamir.
At an extreme loss of words to type and thoughts overflowing in my head.. All my worries and problems seemed so extremely trivial and so very stupid... There is this constant ringing voice in my head telling me to do something.. The voice, which on normal days is quiet is screaming today.. I feel terribly guilty of not being of any significant use to all those who are suffering across the world..

The movies I have seen recently namely Khuda Kay Liye, Shaurya and Aamir and a book I finished reading just a few days ago- A thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled HosseinI has made me think more and more deeply about Islam. About people who have misunderstood all Muslims to be evil, about Muslims who are questioned and tortured time and time again by authorities suspecting them to be terrorists, about staunch Mullahs who have made life hell for Muslim women and turned innocent children to terrorists, the list just goes on and on and on.. It’s amazing how every crime committed by the staunch Muslims is in the name of religion.. In the name of the Prophet, the Koran, Jihad etc..

The Middle Eastern countries have not seen days of peace for centuries now.. Generations of Palestinians have shed their blood for a land which is not yet their country. Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan and so many more nations where people have grown up midst war, some have fled to far away countries, some have fought, some have become mentally unstable and some have just survived it all.. Billions have been spent by the UN in peace-keeping efforts.. All in vain.. In "A thousand splendid suns" you can feel the beauty of the religion in sentences quoted from the Koran and from the poems of Muslim poets. But at the same time you cry along as you learn about the strife of the people who die, become homeless or become crippled by the war.. The women who are tortured beyond imagination and not allowed any individual growth in the name of Islam.. The soviets, the Mujahedeen, gunfire, bombing, martyrs, rapes, beatings, Taliban, 9/11, executions,... It was undoubtedly the most painful book I have ever read and gave me one of my worst nightmares ever.
Shaurya, where a dedicated army man who is a Muslim working under an anti-Muslim Major and Brigadier is made a blamed for helping terrorists when he actually saves the lives of innocent people.
Khuda Kay liye, where a humble Pakistani Musician is tortured to Mental instability because he is suspected to be involved in the 9/11 crash.
Aamir, where a Hard-working Muslim man gets badly caught in terrorism..

All these movies made by Brilliant people where the actors have given stellar performances had one thing in common- How Muslims who are good people become victims of circumstances and how those committing irrational crimes are roaming scot-free and continue making the world a hell for so many.
And it’s not just Muslims, every society, every community , every region, every country is faced with this problem..

But how do we find out who is to blame? How do we prove what is the right interpretation and what is the wrong interpretation of Islam? How do we make the guilty pay? How we the people of India help in such cases are the questions that keep coming in my mind and I stay as confused as ever about what will happen..

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Suicide

SUICIDE
A depressing topic for a first post I know…

Maybe it was the fatigue of walking all evening in the humongous mall, maybe it was the drugged feeling of being in an AC car on a smooth road, maybe it was the heavy drowsiness caused by the cheese in the amazing pasta I had for dinner at Pastamania or Maybe it was the random tear that dropped from my eye after being scolded by my mother (nothing unusual)..or Probably it was a collection of all of the above but I randomly started framing sentences in my head about suicide(no clue why this topic :-) and that’s when I decided that maybe I should write more often and maybe start my own blog..

Suicide..
I think a lot of people have had suicidal thoughts at some points in their lives and almost none of them admit it...

But today I decided to admit it openly that I have had suicidal thoughts not once but several times in my life... It shows that I am weak and timid and blah blah but then I have had these thoughts and I haven't been able to control them... I get this image of myself falling from a cliff for a very very long time till I fall into a deep ravine far down below. I don’t know... It’s something about that feeling... It’s a liberating fall... A fall where my mind is BLANK... There are no thoughts, no worries... Nothing...
So while my cheek was pressed against the window of the car I made a random list of what crosses my mind about suicide...

- The feeling of escaping and quitting it all and running away to somewhere where no one will find you.
- The dilemma whether life after death is better or worse. The excitement of it.
- The fear of leaving the ones you love and the ones who love you and made you what you are in pain and sorrow.
- The fear if your soul will rest in peace.
- The hope that you'll be forgiven if you do it.
- The feeling that NOTHING is worth taking your own damn life.
- The feeling that there are innumerable people and animals who are not as fortunate as you are but they still struggle and fight to pursue happiness.
- Knowing that whatever triggered the thought will pass away soon.
- The feeling of not being brave enough to face life and fight it.

Now you must be wondering that I am so fortunate to have so many people who love me and so much to be thankful for and yet these thoughts cross my mind... Even I wonder the same thing... I always feel that I make a very very huge deal out of everything I feel and do not value all that I have been gifted with this... You can judge me and criticise the way I feel... But it IS infact the way I feel SOMETIMES... The feeling doesn't last for very long because obviously the whole thing is not worth it...
But then I thought that this is a topic which is never openly discussed because the feeling is mostly propagated by our deepest darkest secrets, so I might as well put it out there and wait for people to react.

Hi !

I loathe the way i write because its not the way i want to write.. and so i go on to make excuses like i am rarely inspired to write so there's no point in starting a blog because it'll gather dust very soon etc.etc... i want the way i write to be either a blabbery flow of disconnected sentences or a literary post in immaculate english which would hog all the critical acclaim.. sadly i am not close to either.. My style of writing is simple and spontaneous and its time that i accepted that and started writing more regularly even if the posts are crappy and appreciated only because the people who read them like me.. Finally.. after a failed blog long long back, here's a new blog.. a fresh start.. in the hope of getting better with time :-)
Cheers.